Kaidan's Speech
by Melissa's bubbles
Summary: As the title suggests, this is a speech given by Kaidan on his thoughts and feeling about the time he's spent with the Commander. Mild language warning, but it's pretty mild.


The day I met Commander Jane Shepard, my life changed in an irreversible way. Was it for the better or worse? Well, that could be debated, although I will always believe it's been for the better. Despite everything, I can't regret a single moment I've spent with her. I've felt joy so strong that, even now, I struggle to find the words to describe it. I've also felt sorrow to overwhelming, I didn't think I would survive it. I've made friends that I love dearly, and lost more, still. I've been brought up and broken down, both physically and emotionally. When I began my journey with Shepard, I was a simple Staff Lieutenant and now I'm the galaxy's second human Specter. I credit that success completely to the great Commander.

I'll admit, when I was first asked to give this speech, I was a little skeptical, especially because I was asked to ask about my time serving with the Commander. The truth is, I absolutely cannot speak about myself without talking about Jane. Kaidan Alenko without Jane Shepard is an empty man. The two years that Shepard spent dead taught me that. It's a strange thing, because I don't know how I ever survived without her. Yes, some of it is because I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone, but it's much more than that. Any of us who has had the privilege of truly knowing her will say the same thing. Our lives are separated into two periods: before the Commander and after. I can't explain it right. She makes you want to be better for her and yourself. She… as a friend of ours once said, she has a passion that makes you willing to follow her into hell itself. And we all would, without a second thought.

I was asked what it's like to know Commander Shepard. I don't know if I can get this right but I'll try. Have you ever walked outside on a particularly bright day? For the first few moments you can't stop blinking, trying to adjust your eyes to the brightness. This is the best way I can describe knowing Commander Shepard. When you first meet her, she's almost blinding in her competence and compassion. After a while, you can adjust, but you never lose that odd urge to blink in her presence. That is what it's like knowing Commander Shepard.

Knowing Jane? That's completely different. Jane is a little dorky, to be honest, and a lot nerdy. She loves old music and bad puns. She hates bullies and green beans. Her favorite color is brown because she says it's a warm color that makes her feel safe, and I have to agree because I've never felt warmer or safer than when I'm staring into her eyes. Jane has more compassion than any single human being I have ever met. I don't know how many times we've been sidetracked during missions because Jane had to help someone with a completely irrelevant issue. I'll never forget the time we spent five hours running around the Citadel, scanning keepers for a scientist. She'll swear to you that it was because she got paid each time we scanned one, but I know that she would have done it even if she got nothing out of it, because that's the kind of person she is. She loves people and if she can help someone, she will. Jane owns thirty-two fish and a hamster. She's given each one a name that refers to an old holo or vid that most of us have never seen. She's knows the name every one of those fish. Every damned one.

Of course, I remember the exact moment I met Commander Shepard. I'm sure that every person who has ever met her does. It isn't the kind of thing someone forgets. It was on a Tuesday, five years ago. I had recently been posted on a supposedly routine shakedown run for the Normandy. Joker, our pilot, and I were friends. We heard that the Commander was coming aboard, along with a Turian Specter. Joker was suspicious as to why they were bringing such important figures on a shake-down run, but I was pretty blind about following orders at the time. Honestly, I was just excited to meet _the_ Commander Shepard. She may not have been the galaxy's savor yet, but she was already well known in the Alliance. She was one of the first female N7's and the youngest one, by far. Surviving Akuze got her recognition, as well. But that was all I knew of her. When she boarded the ship, the first thing she did was hug Anderson, which was shocking, because Anderson wasn't exactly lacking in recognition, himself. After that, she went around and introduced herself to the crew. Every single person she greeted, she shook their hand and treated them all with absolute respect. That was what I first noticed. When she shook my hand, there was no fear of my biotics, which she undoubtedly knew about, or any kind of superiority complex. I won't say it was love at first sight, because it wasn't. At first, I was just another person that counted myself lucky enough to work with her.

So, when did I know I loved her? If it was an exact moment, I don't know it. I do know it happened during our nightly talks, after she became a Specter and was in charge of the ship. It wasn't just me, I know. Every single night, if she was on the ship, Shepard would make her rounds on the ship and talk to each crew member personally. She wanted to make sure everyone knew they could come to her with a problem. She took it very seriously, too. It didn't matter how terrible the mission was, every night she had on her dress blues, completely put together. I do like to think our talks were special, however. She would usually spend just a few minutes checking in on everyone, but she really talked with me. I was always her last stop, so she was usually more relaxed. We would take a seat in the mess and talk for at least an hour about almost anything. She got me talking about parts of my past that I didn't ever think I would talk about. She shared with me too; told me about growing up on the streets on Earth, and how Anderson was the first, and only, person she had ever seen as a father figure. She spoke about reading old classic books, with actual paper. Every time we spoke, I fell a little harder.

God, how Ashley used to tease us about it. Ashley was more like a big sister to me than anything, despite the fact that I was older and higher rank than her. I don't think she could help it. Ash looked after people. It was who she was. The day we left her on Virmire, well it was one of the worst nights of my life and I know it was worse for Jane. Anyway, Ashley used to really tease us about our awkward is-or-isn't-it relationship. She was always looking for an opportunity to put us in awkward situations or make a sly comment. Once or twice I had to pull rank when she did it at an inappropriate time, but I knew she just wanted us to be happy. She always said that God put us in each other's lives, and that it was up to us to make His plans happen. I still don't know if I believe that, or in her God, but I think I would like to. I'd like to believe that there's some kind of rhyme or reason to all of this.

I was specifically asked to talk about what I felt when she died, or I wouldn't bring it up at all. I was a complete wreck, to put it mildly. I screamed at Joker until I was blue in the face and horse. It wasn't his fault, really, but I needed to blame someone for her death. I cried and I cried for, god, months. At her funeral, I… I left a rose on her grave and left before the service. I drank myself to sleep that night. Those two years were the darkest of my life. It wasn't fair, you know. I loved her so damned much, and she was taken from this life so harshly. When the council and Alliance covered up the reaper attack, I very nearly quit. They made Shepard out to be a delusional, but well-intentioned, war hero. I wanted to physically hurt everyone who made her out to be anything less than she was. It was Anderson who got me on track again. He came over to my apartment one night and he hugged me and we cried together. Most people don't know this, but two weeks before the collector attack that destroyed the Normandy, I asked Anderson for Jane's hand. The next shore leave we got, I was going to ask her to marry me. Anyway, after that, I picked myself up and simply became determined to be the best I could be for her.

Then I found her on Horizon.

To this day, I've never been more ashamed of any one moment than I am of that moment. I had spent two years mourning her and there she was, alive and working for the enemy. All at once, all those wounds opened up and I said some horrible things. I knew everything I said about her turning on the Alliance and being I mindless drone of Cerberus was wrong, even as I said it. I was just so angry, and I could see that I was breaking her heart. For a small moment, I wanted that. I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. I will never regret anything as much.

The next time I saw her was after she went and saved everyone again. She was in a relationship with a Drell, and even I have to admit, that man was there for her when I wasn't. She would later tell me that she had always loved me, and Thane knew it. At the time, though, I thought I had truly lost her. It was completely my fault. I couldn't even be angry at Thane, because he was a truly good man, who obviously loved Jane. He looked after me while I was in the hospital, for Jane. He knew about how she felt about me, and he never once treated me with anything less respect. I wish I could say the same about myself. When he died, I surprised myself by being saddened. Naturally, that was also about the time I come back onto the Normandy. This time, for good. For weeks I avoided her, because I didn't want to be reminded of everything I had lost to my own stupidity. It was Jane who eventually came to find me and tell me that I was being stupid. For some reason, Jane still loved me. I don't know why, but she did.

Now, with the war over, I can never be more grateful for anything than I am that she survived. I have never known anyone like Jane Shepard. If I spoke all night, I couldn't even touch the beginning of how I feel about her. Of course she's sitting in the front row, embarrassed and hating the attention, and I know that you all want to get to the feast and other festivities tonight, so I will end my speech here. I love Jane and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. If she gives me that dream, I know that I will never stop feeling completely enamored by her. That's all I have. Thank you all for coming tonight. I hope you all enjoy the rest of the night.

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AN- Well, there you have it. it'd been a _long_ time since I've posted anything at all. I'd like to think that I've become a better writer in that time. I tried not to make too many grammatical errors, so let me know what I missed. I'm also thinking about making a fic, but from Shepard's POV. Let me know what yiu think about that. Thanks for reading!


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